Sunday, April 26, 2009
So here I sit again at 2:36am venting to the blog rather that the ppl that need to here it. In the last few unpublished posts I've vented and felt better but now I've learned more about "my place" in this house. I am to wonder woman at all times, cooking cleaning errands and working while maintaining an active social and work life. Where the hell did we come up with this? I can't do it all and yet am expected to do much w/o help. I'm supposed to be happy with trying to be SuperMommy and not get frustrated when things don't go according to plan, which seems to very ofter. I'm also not "given" much free time, don't get me wrong I'm very much getting some right now but this should have to be deducted from my "sleep" time. I've gotten to the point where I've cut out a lot of talking to Lynn. I know he cares but since he went back to graveyard, he sleeps the hours i have things to do so we don't really communicate about these things now, I've accepted that his little brother whom has taken up residence with us is very happy to drive me around if needed and available. I'm grateful to him for that but don't want to give him the I need you impression since I'm playing more at the I'm really a Single Mom how do I make my life work now?!? I did sing up for an Medical Assisting program which has fallen to the wayside since life has gotten into the ppl I used to count on are moving on... My mom for example is trying to fix her truck, & be with her friend who has/had cancer. I am by no means says that she shouldn't but in my world she is my Nana care for my son, and when I'm off no problem..but when I do need to work it feels like a put out to know its missing and now you have to "find" someone..Lynn's little brother has stepped up a few times but I feel bad that I can't really "pay" them as I'm so strapped for cash. I'm feeling like I'm in a place of constant ickiness from either being bother by something in or out of the house. The urge to "run away" is pressing and I'm getting less scared about what would be and feeling like i should just listen and go. That being said I'm finding that I'm given no chance at "life" in this house. The boys don't offer up help at times i know they have other things going on, or if they are playing the video games i get quite flustered as they are not really watching my son like i asked so, i end up with his "help" which what i didn't really want in the first place so I'm left feeling Me time is unimportant to them. I don't get any time to study unless i get up early or like now get up at some weired hour and study..I'm at a loss for what to do, ironically we're reading Proverbs, which i might add is one thing off my list of need to add to life pages..I was bad at reading it but I want my son to have a love for it, so what better way to get a 2 for 1..he picks the Gospel and we read one chapter a night before his other bedtime stories..now to work in studing..hmph..maybe I'll be having more late night posts..but at least for tonight maybe God can get into my head rather than my head trying to plan a plan for tomorrow that will fall to pieces in seconds..wish me luck as i attempt another day at being the best for no one in particular and being to world to one special and amazing little boy!