Wednesday, January 28, 2009
As a baby I lived in a rural town of Nebraska where most of my farm girl days started. At the age of 6 my mom moved out here to California, onto my grandfather's property. He didn't have a huge "farm" per say but was an old framer anyway and help bring me up as such. I grew up having a horse on site to ride whenever. So my tiny budding brain never thought that anyone else didn't have what i did till my first sleepover. So I've always had simple plans for my life grow up get married & have babies, and stay at home and raise them. Well I am going to be 27 this year and only one of those three things has happen as of yet. The first "man" I met along the way who i thought i would marry turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my young like. We were 20 &21 when we meet, yes i was naive. We broke up but again i was young and had no real idea of what supporting myself would take, so we live together as roommates. In 06 he finally understood i was not going to be his "wife" so to him "we broke up" I was already dating someone new. Yes that man is the father of my son but we no longer see each other or speak to one another. That's another story. Back to my broken dream at hand, both of these men,if you will, broke my dream of getting married young and having 6 kids, yes i wanted a lot. But the one I have was born premature.
Thus the story begins, the 4 months he was in the hospital I was there caring for him, make his life altering decisions and my goal was to get him home where i could raise him up right.
My roommate was working part time for a temp agency and was hoping to get picked up full time, but the FLMA & his paycheck weren't paying the rent or the bills together. So I started to pray about what to do, I didn't want to have others take care of my son, I wanted to do it, be the stay at home mom, more than anything, as the days drew closer to his home coming, I knew he wasn't going to step up and be the man i needed at all. A call came from the HR manager at my work asking if i was thinking about coming back, I told her the simple truth I had to. So I got my paperwork together and headed in. Not but one week after I went back to work my son came home, I had to work out how to be a mom, worker, and get the bills back on track. Looking back now it was the best choice I made, Ryan has healthy and productive little monster if you will, but its not what i wanted from my life at all. My roommate is not the man i want or need in my life partner but I live with him none the less as he is comfort, for as the song goes everybody wants to feel like there not alone, I know I am not but its the feeling i get everytime i look at my son, where is the man he needs to lead him, show him the things i can't..I don't know at all, but then again I'm not looking to find him either. I am just working, playing, eating, and trying to not get consumed in the mundane world. The life I wanted is gone, the place I thought I was going is hazie and the world I knew shattered the day my grandmother died. I can't get back what I had, but putting the peices back together was getting to hard, now im tring to leave the peices on the floor and find out what I am really made of.
As for an unshattered dream, there isn't one really, I never dreamed of more. Now I am looking for the man who can dominate me like I need, spoil me like i deserve and give my heart a place to find comfort. I don't where he'll come from but I trust the Lord will make sure I walk right into him somewhere, and I'll know the Lords hands are on our sholders..
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I do love Jesus, but seem to show little of it in my daily life, but this is a struggle i must face as i don't live with in a Christian home/environment, a bit upsetting but once my entire story is explained one can see why I hold this part back in my life..Thus leads to my problem, I can be a com pleat pushover. I do say no but when no one listens, or ignores this it make it impossible to find self confidence within. There is also part of me that can see the battle that looms on the horizon from time to time, and I dislike arguing, again mainly cuz no one listens when i speak gently so they get upset or offended when i say something loudly, never mind its what i said yesterday nicely. I need the man in my life to understand my weakness, help be become stronger, I also need him to understand that when he needs to step in and be my backbone.
I do not think as others do, so I need him to understand its OK to tell me to calm down or just listen to me ramble on till I'm done going crazy, and can think & talk rationally again, amongst all the other things a women can need. I also do not see things the way many women, see things, so I speak plainly, and call it as i see it. I may change my mind, then again I may not. I want him to also know that we can spend time together & time apart, but mostly he needs to know I adore him regardless of his flaws, I love spending every moment with him and need no reason for it.
I am affectionate, sometimes a bit much. I can be called aggressive from time to time, but once you get to know me you learn this is me, but I know when to stop. He has to like my kind of music and understand I have my moments where I want to play something completely diffrent than what i normally listen to and he has to be OK with that. He also needs to know I have a wild side from time to time and i need to let it loose.
But the whole reason I decided to do this was to find an outlet for all my thoughts, and maybe a way to find me..again..I got lost somewhere in the last few years.