Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
As for my friend who's mom has cancer, she is taking her medicine and we shall see how it works. In trying to balance all of this I want to have a family dinner on my day off but that doesn't always work, so we will see if I can make my crazy life work.
My friend who's baby is due next month I haven't seen in a few weeks and hope all is well and can't wait to find out if and when she's having a baby shower so I can get her something cute. I'm excited another little child will be entering the world, they are such a blessing from God.
My engaged friend again haven't seen in a few weeks but need to and enjoy our talks.
I miss having a cell phone, but it wasn't really in the budget. Well its nearing bed time so I'm going to go to sleep, and pry myself out of bed in the AM.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I have days where I look back and realize God was pushing me to something Good and I let my head talk me out of it. I look back at it now and wonder where I could be now, what kind of person I'd be if. I know we all have these moments, mine mostly come in my dreams which make letting go harder cuz I know its my subconscious trying to make me work through the things I deny during the days. I am trying to surround myself with the people have good things going for them, that will help me listen to Him better, and above all else maybe even turn into best friends along the way.
Today is not a day that I feel hopeless or lost, today is better than yesterday. I do however wonder if in the years to come I'll find the "me" that got lost along the way? I do know however that God was working out the bad habits so I can learn new ones, and I must say I'm learning but I'm just a bit slow. This year to come I have 3 roads to run down before the year is up, 3 friends have 3 different things to come, one a baby to come, one a marriage to plan, and last the fight for her mothers life, who can say where I'll be years end. One thing I do plan on is being the best friend to them as possible.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Trying to change the subject my son starts school in Aug..what the hell where did time go?? I'm so not ready for this, I thought id get to have more "free" time with my son. Not "Yay you're turning 3 so your services will stop and then start school 31 days later.." WTH I don't get free time you ppl are crazy. Then the school has to go and bring up the daddy word and the it's complicated story has to come about. This is a time where i wanna ask God and get a direct answer of "why is my life so complicated" being the Father is the answer we get is basically you made it this way for yourself, if you'd only listened to what i said you wouldn't be in this mess Argh!! My next question would be "is he every gonna stop being angry at me?" Eh I want this answered just for my son I've come to a happy place on this so I'm not trying to see if "we" have some kind of future together, i just wanna know if my son gets to know the man his father is and has become. I know that I have changed a lot in the last 3 years and want my son's father to see that, but I'm still working on the rest of life so most of the outside stuff doesn't seem to have changed so many doubt what I say. I'm still trying to find my way back to me, and I've come to realize that "me" has lost so much in years past that I'm pretty much starting over. Its good and bad, searching for new friends, new love, new passions, new life is not so easy. Its something I want to see an end result to but I'm not enjoying the road too much though. I'm hoping that school will help turn some more pages in this book. Now I'm gonna try and go to bed.....
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The following Tuesday 3/10 I had my interview with AppleOne where they tell me work is slow but the will call me when they get any new opening..little annoying but understandable nor am i trying to stress out about this, obviously its a recession and not all people will and can work, plus companies are getting inundated with applications from all possible candidates so its easy for them to get the right person, not so fair on the applicants part but I see it ya know. Now tomorrow 3/17 I have an interview with Macy's, me of all people.
Yes I'll admit it, I never feel like I'm the pretty one..I don't see myself as someone others would approach at a store and ask about clothes, but I got an interview and that's one step, next Tuesday I have an interview with another temp agency. Yes I am going to put my application in to most temp agencies so I can expand my possibilities of getting a job offer even if its part time temp, its better than the money I get from unemployment, not to mention Ryan's SSI is based on what i bring in so..grr.
Back to School I go, I enrolled in a Medical Assisting course with Ashworth college, which i finally got my "books" with last week or so, So I've finished lesson 1 with a 90% so far so good right. The course is designed to be completed in 6-12 months. That would be awesome for me as now i have time to do the course and can afford it, and i can dedicate time here and there to it. Wish me luck tomorrow....
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
As a baby I lived in a rural town of Nebraska where most of my farm girl days started. At the age of 6 my mom moved out here to California, onto my grandfather's property. He didn't have a huge "farm" per say but was an old framer anyway and help bring me up as such. I grew up having a horse on site to ride whenever. So my tiny budding brain never thought that anyone else didn't have what i did till my first sleepover. So I've always had simple plans for my life grow up get married & have babies, and stay at home and raise them. Well I am going to be 27 this year and only one of those three things has happen as of yet. The first "man" I met along the way who i thought i would marry turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my young like. We were 20 &21 when we meet, yes i was naive. We broke up but again i was young and had no real idea of what supporting myself would take, so we live together as roommates. In 06 he finally understood i was not going to be his "wife" so to him "we broke up" I was already dating someone new. Yes that man is the father of my son but we no longer see each other or speak to one another. That's another story. Back to my broken dream at hand, both of these men,if you will, broke my dream of getting married young and having 6 kids, yes i wanted a lot. But the one I have was born premature.
Thus the story begins, the 4 months he was in the hospital I was there caring for him, make his life altering decisions and my goal was to get him home where i could raise him up right.
My roommate was working part time for a temp agency and was hoping to get picked up full time, but the FLMA & his paycheck weren't paying the rent or the bills together. So I started to pray about what to do, I didn't want to have others take care of my son, I wanted to do it, be the stay at home mom, more than anything, as the days drew closer to his home coming, I knew he wasn't going to step up and be the man i needed at all. A call came from the HR manager at my work asking if i was thinking about coming back, I told her the simple truth I had to. So I got my paperwork together and headed in. Not but one week after I went back to work my son came home, I had to work out how to be a mom, worker, and get the bills back on track. Looking back now it was the best choice I made, Ryan has healthy and productive little monster if you will, but its not what i wanted from my life at all. My roommate is not the man i want or need in my life partner but I live with him none the less as he is comfort, for as the song goes everybody wants to feel like there not alone, I know I am not but its the feeling i get everytime i look at my son, where is the man he needs to lead him, show him the things i can't..I don't know at all, but then again I'm not looking to find him either. I am just working, playing, eating, and trying to not get consumed in the mundane world. The life I wanted is gone, the place I thought I was going is hazie and the world I knew shattered the day my grandmother died. I can't get back what I had, but putting the peices back together was getting to hard, now im tring to leave the peices on the floor and find out what I am really made of.
As for an unshattered dream, there isn't one really, I never dreamed of more. Now I am looking for the man who can dominate me like I need, spoil me like i deserve and give my heart a place to find comfort. I don't where he'll come from but I trust the Lord will make sure I walk right into him somewhere, and I'll know the Lords hands are on our sholders..
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I do love Jesus, but seem to show little of it in my daily life, but this is a struggle i must face as i don't live with in a Christian home/environment, a bit upsetting but once my entire story is explained one can see why I hold this part back in my life..Thus leads to my problem, I can be a com pleat pushover. I do say no but when no one listens, or ignores this it make it impossible to find self confidence within. There is also part of me that can see the battle that looms on the horizon from time to time, and I dislike arguing, again mainly cuz no one listens when i speak gently so they get upset or offended when i say something loudly, never mind its what i said yesterday nicely. I need the man in my life to understand my weakness, help be become stronger, I also need him to understand that when he needs to step in and be my backbone.
I do not think as others do, so I need him to understand its OK to tell me to calm down or just listen to me ramble on till I'm done going crazy, and can think & talk rationally again, amongst all the other things a women can need. I also do not see things the way many women, see things, so I speak plainly, and call it as i see it. I may change my mind, then again I may not. I want him to also know that we can spend time together & time apart, but mostly he needs to know I adore him regardless of his flaws, I love spending every moment with him and need no reason for it.
I am affectionate, sometimes a bit much. I can be called aggressive from time to time, but once you get to know me you learn this is me, but I know when to stop. He has to like my kind of music and understand I have my moments where I want to play something completely diffrent than what i normally listen to and he has to be OK with that. He also needs to know I have a wild side from time to time and i need to let it loose.
But the whole reason I decided to do this was to find an outlet for all my thoughts, and maybe a way to find me..again..I got lost somewhere in the last few years.