Tuesday, June 30, 2009

To Life

Today is the once a year I outwardly mourn the loss of my twins, I'm not sure weather they were boys, girls or one of each, but i chose to pick one boy and one girl name to honor them. This was my estimated due date and they day I miss them most. I realize each year how old they would be, where life would be for them, and look back at all I been through and am gratefully they didn't have to experiences some of it with me, but I also wonder to would I have allowed myself to go though these experiences if they were here. The answer is I don't know but I miss them a bit more now since Ryan has arrived. I wonder what kind of mom I'd be to 3 kids not just one. I wonder if my future holds more children or if he is it. Life is at a forked road for me. Hopefully the later part of today will be easier and better.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Once again panic has begun

Once again the panic button has been pressed inside of my head. My nephew is in town on business which in itself isn't bad, i haven't seen him in 4+ years but the flip side of this is where my prepare for the worst hope for the best attitude gets me into trouble. My brain starts saying things like he'll go talk to my son's father or stop by and say we should all go talk, and i just start freaking out. As one can tell as I'm blogging rather than getting into bed. So now I've got myself waging a war about weather or not I should message my son's father and let him know my nephew is in town or actually just "see" where things go. Some would say pray about it, read your Bible..various other techniques but for me none really work as my brain starts taking what I'm reading and give me ways it still wont work, nor can i keep a single thought straight cuz i need to talk about it so i can decide what to do but it will just get me more worked up over the talking about what to do and what could happen that i just turn into a big bundle of nerves until situation is over or dealt with. Yes I'm a bit crazy here but i know this and am trying to work on it and have asked for help.

Trying to change the subject my son starts school in Aug..what the hell where did time go?? I'm so not ready for this, I thought id get to have more "free" time with my son. Not "Yay you're turning 3 so your services will stop and then start school 31 days later.." WTH I don't get free time you ppl are crazy. Then the school has to go and bring up the daddy word and the it's complicated story has to come about. This is a time where i wanna ask God and get a direct answer of "why is my life so complicated" being the Father is the answer we get is basically you made it this way for yourself, if you'd only listened to what i said you wouldn't be in this mess Argh!! My next question would be "is he every gonna stop being angry at me?" Eh I want this answered just for my son I've come to a happy place on this so I'm not trying to see if "we" have some kind of future together, i just wanna know if my son gets to know the man his father is and has become. I know that I have changed a lot in the last 3 years and want my son's father to see that, but I'm still working on the rest of life so most of the outside stuff doesn't seem to have changed so many doubt what I say. I'm still trying to find my way back to me, and I've come to realize that "me" has lost so much in years past that I'm pretty much starting over. Its good and bad, searching for new friends, new love, new passions, new life is not so easy. Its something I want to see an end result to but I'm not enjoying the road too much though. I'm hoping that school will help turn some more pages in this book. Now I'm gonna try and go to bed.....