Monday, October 12, 2009

Life cont..

So school has become the routine, and life has started anew. I'm still looking for my own place to live, I know i can no longer afford it myself but I'm hoping I can find a decent place and when I get my taxes and christmas gets closer I can use that to help bump me a bit. We'll see. I have my nervous moments but find myself a bit more calmer after just knowing I'll get where I'm ment to be at some point. I even find myself thinking its possible to date someone with the potential of having a "life" with them. I have come to realzie as simple as the plan I just want to date someone, get married buy a house and have maybe another child. I want to Live, I want to experiace some fun in life but mostly I just want to live life with the one Man who will be what I need when I need it. There is a man at work that portrays this essance, I enjoy working with him and at times wonder if God isn't trying to show me somthing. I'm starting to listen better. I've feel things working and changing in myself. Its stange to say I still don't know what i wanna be when I grow up but I do know I wanna be happy doing it. Well its about time to go get Ryan so tomorrow is job hunting even though I think Macy's is where God needs me to be and I

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

School started

So Ryan has officially started preschool. wait I'm not ready, can we rewind the last 3 years please?!?!!! The last 3 years have been an amazing journey. One I wouldn't trade for the world, but I do sort of wish as any mom does that time would slow down. I want to enjoy every second even though they are not always enjoyable, I do love being a Mom. It was a blessing that he received SSI and now its coming to an end and in one eye its the worst time possible I'm only working pt/nights and one roommate isn't working, the other took a pay cut a few months back so were not really rolling in the dough so to speak but we still have a roof over our head and food in the house, all is OK. I being the type to prepare for the worst hope for the best, is not doing well in this, but in the other eye if I trust God things will be fine and I know this. I just feel like I'm getting onto a roll-a-coaster and I'm waiting for the first big drop, I know its gonna be fun but do I really wanna do this. This is where I am with my trust in the Lord. I'm climbing that first big hill and I'm starting to think I know you said this would be fun but I'm not sure I wanna do this. I fell I'm supposed to be getting my own/another place soon and I can see it coming but I'm a bit scared cuz I make very little money right now and its Ryan's 3rd day of school is tomorrow and I don't wanna take him out of something he so far seems to like and is good for both of us. I can feel a change coming and I'm just not sure of what. I hope to start blogging a bit more so that I can keep my sanity and see where things go from here. Wish me luck.
As for my friend who's mom has cancer, she is taking her medicine and we shall see how it works. In trying to balance all of this I want to have a family dinner on my day off but that doesn't always work, so we will see if I can make my crazy life work.
My friend who's baby is due next month I haven't seen in a few weeks and hope all is well and can't wait to find out if and when she's having a baby shower so I can get her something cute. I'm excited another little child will be entering the world, they are such a blessing from God.
My engaged friend again haven't seen in a few weeks but need to and enjoy our talks.

I miss having a cell phone, but it wasn't really in the budget. Well its nearing bed time so I'm going to go to sleep, and pry myself out of bed in the AM.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Fork in the road

I again find myself feeling depressed and a little crazy. My best friends mom found out her treatment options yesterday although I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it myself, so I'm not sure what they are yet. So out of this I see my best friend actually having to move out on her own for the first time in 6 years. Which is a good thing in all accounts but she's not the type who will be able to afford some of the necessities to being a responsible adult. I can see myself jumping at the chance to help her out and getting a place together if possible, and wham I'm away from the succubus of my life. I might even be able to begin a new one. Then I see that my overall situation wouldn't change in the least. I'd end up somehow covering the same things I do for my current roommates and alas the road to my own place would be delayed longer. It times like this I feel horribly held back by a few of my choices, and wonder why I can't just commit to following His will. He keeps pushing my to get my own place, I find myself feeling less guilty about leaving my roommates screwed over but I still can't quite put my finger on why I just don't do it. Not that I believe in curse's but I feel as if I have been cursed to have years upon years of bad luck for some reason. I heard a sermon once where Pastor was explaining about walking down the Godly road in a "white" clothing and once you reach the end all can see if you strayed off or not, but that God is always forgiving and willing to pick you up and dust you off. I feel like I got pushed into the mud puddle. I know God is there with his hand out to get up out of that puddle, but the others walking by make it a tad hard to sallow. I know it will get better I guess I'm just the person who wants to know how the end will turn out so I don't get all worked up for nothing. I'm a bit crazy I know but this is me.

I have days where I look back and realize God was pushing me to something Good and I let my head talk me out of it. I look back at it now and wonder where I could be now, what kind of person I'd be if. I know we all have these moments, mine mostly come in my dreams which make letting go harder cuz I know its my subconscious trying to make me work through the things I deny during the days. I am trying to surround myself with the people have good things going for them, that will help me listen to Him better, and above all else maybe even turn into best friends along the way.

Today is not a day that I feel hopeless or lost, today is better than yesterday. I do however wonder if in the years to come I'll find the "me" that got lost along the way? I do know however that God was working out the bad habits so I can learn new ones, and I must say I'm learning but I'm just a bit slow. This year to come I have 3 roads to run down before the year is up, 3 friends have 3 different things to come, one a baby to come, one a marriage to plan, and last the fight for her mothers life, who can say where I'll be years end. One thing I do plan on is being the best friend to them as possible.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

To Life

Today is the once a year I outwardly mourn the loss of my twins, I'm not sure weather they were boys, girls or one of each, but i chose to pick one boy and one girl name to honor them. This was my estimated due date and they day I miss them most. I realize each year how old they would be, where life would be for them, and look back at all I been through and am gratefully they didn't have to experiences some of it with me, but I also wonder to would I have allowed myself to go though these experiences if they were here. The answer is I don't know but I miss them a bit more now since Ryan has arrived. I wonder what kind of mom I'd be to 3 kids not just one. I wonder if my future holds more children or if he is it. Life is at a forked road for me. Hopefully the later part of today will be easier and better.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Once again panic has begun

Once again the panic button has been pressed inside of my head. My nephew is in town on business which in itself isn't bad, i haven't seen him in 4+ years but the flip side of this is where my prepare for the worst hope for the best attitude gets me into trouble. My brain starts saying things like he'll go talk to my son's father or stop by and say we should all go talk, and i just start freaking out. As one can tell as I'm blogging rather than getting into bed. So now I've got myself waging a war about weather or not I should message my son's father and let him know my nephew is in town or actually just "see" where things go. Some would say pray about it, read your Bible..various other techniques but for me none really work as my brain starts taking what I'm reading and give me ways it still wont work, nor can i keep a single thought straight cuz i need to talk about it so i can decide what to do but it will just get me more worked up over the talking about what to do and what could happen that i just turn into a big bundle of nerves until situation is over or dealt with. Yes I'm a bit crazy here but i know this and am trying to work on it and have asked for help.

Trying to change the subject my son starts school in Aug..what the hell where did time go?? I'm so not ready for this, I thought id get to have more "free" time with my son. Not "Yay you're turning 3 so your services will stop and then start school 31 days later.." WTH I don't get free time you ppl are crazy. Then the school has to go and bring up the daddy word and the it's complicated story has to come about. This is a time where i wanna ask God and get a direct answer of "why is my life so complicated" being the Father is the answer we get is basically you made it this way for yourself, if you'd only listened to what i said you wouldn't be in this mess Argh!! My next question would be "is he every gonna stop being angry at me?" Eh I want this answered just for my son I've come to a happy place on this so I'm not trying to see if "we" have some kind of future together, i just wanna know if my son gets to know the man his father is and has become. I know that I have changed a lot in the last 3 years and want my son's father to see that, but I'm still working on the rest of life so most of the outside stuff doesn't seem to have changed so many doubt what I say. I'm still trying to find my way back to me, and I've come to realize that "me" has lost so much in years past that I'm pretty much starting over. Its good and bad, searching for new friends, new love, new passions, new life is not so easy. Its something I want to see an end result to but I'm not enjoying the road too much though. I'm hoping that school will help turn some more pages in this book. Now I'm gonna try and go to bed.....

Sunday, April 26, 2009


So here I sit again at 2:36am venting to the blog rather that the ppl that need to here it. In the last few unpublished posts I've vented and felt better but now I've learned more about "my place" in this house. I am to wonder woman at all times, cooking cleaning errands and working while maintaining an active social and work life. Where the hell did we come up with this? I can't do it all and yet am expected to do much w/o help. I'm supposed to be happy with trying to be SuperMommy and not get frustrated when things don't go according to plan, which seems to very ofter. I'm also not "given" much free time, don't get me wrong I'm very much getting some right now but this should have to be deducted from my "sleep" time. I've gotten to the point where I've cut out a lot of talking to Lynn. I know he cares but since he went back to graveyard, he sleeps the hours i have things to do so we don't really communicate about these things now, I've accepted that his little brother whom has taken up residence with us is very happy to drive me around if needed and available. I'm grateful to him for that but don't want to give him the I need you impression since I'm playing more at the I'm really a Single Mom how do I make my life work now?!? I did sing up for an Medical Assisting program which has fallen to the wayside since life has gotten into the ppl I used to count on are moving on... My mom for example is trying to fix her truck, & be with her friend who has/had cancer. I am by no means says that she shouldn't but in my world she is my Nana care for my son, and when I'm off no problem..but when I do need to work it feels like a put out to know its missing and now you have to "find" someone..Lynn's little brother has stepped up a few times but I feel bad that I can't really "pay" them as I'm so strapped for cash. I'm feeling like I'm in a place of constant ickiness from either being bother by something in or out of the house. The urge to "run away" is pressing and I'm getting less scared about what would be and feeling like i should just listen and go. That being said I'm finding that I'm given no chance at "life" in this house. The boys don't offer up help at times i know they have other things going on, or if they are playing the video games i get quite flustered as they are not really watching my son like i asked so, i end up with his "help" which what i didn't really want in the first place so I'm left feeling Me time is unimportant to them. I don't get any time to study unless i get up early or like now get up at some weired hour and study..I'm at a loss for what to do, ironically we're reading Proverbs, which i might add is one thing off my list of need to add to life pages..I was bad at reading it but I want my son to have a love for it, so what better way to get a 2 for 1..he picks the Gospel and we read one chapter a night before his other bedtime to work in studing..hmph..maybe I'll be having more late night posts..but at least for tonight maybe God can get into my head rather than my head trying to plan a plan for tomorrow that will fall to pieces in seconds..wish me luck as i attempt another day at being the best for no one in particular and being to world to one special and amazing little boy!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

2 weeks

So it has been 2 weeks since reality set in I no longer have to go to work. I the last 2 Tuesday's I've had interviews, the first was on 3/2, which my thoughts are as follows, I had an interview today, the job is basically presentation style sales, which I'm not sure I want to do or can do well, I don't drive, the presentation I can do, pushing people to buy I don't agree with, I don't like to push people. I'm not someone who can make her own schedule, I'll either get too involved in my own life or the other way around, I haven't found my own inner balance so its not easy I do know I'm the kind of "hand" that comes in gets some coffee, and wants to know what needs to be done for the day & get as much done as possible. I'm not sure that this is what i want to do, i know its something i could do for the most part, I would have to pay to get my life insurance licence, along with a drivers license but both of them cost money, and study time, not to mention i just enrolled into Medical & Dental Assisting program though Ashworth College online so this sounds like a bit much, I'm going to pray on it and see what God shows me. I still feel compelled to get more involved in the church I've been going to. We shall see...
The following Tuesday 3/10 I had my interview with AppleOne where they tell me work is slow but the will call me when they get any new opening..little annoying but understandable nor am i trying to stress out about this, obviously its a recession and not all people will and can work, plus companies are getting inundated with applications from all possible candidates so its easy for them to get the right person, not so fair on the applicants part but I see it ya know. Now tomorrow 3/17 I have an interview with Macy's, me of all people.
Yes I'll admit it, I never feel like I'm the pretty one..I don't see myself as someone others would approach at a store and ask about clothes, but I got an interview and that's one step, next Tuesday I have an interview with another temp agency. Yes I am going to put my application in to most temp agencies so I can expand my possibilities of getting a job offer even if its part time temp, its better than the money I get from unemployment, not to mention Ryan's SSI is based on what i bring in so..grr.
Back to School I go, I enrolled in a Medical Assisting course with Ashworth college, which i finally got my "books" with last week or so, So I've finished lesson 1 with a 90% so far so good right. The course is designed to be completed in 6-12 months. That would be awesome for me as now i have time to do the course and can afford it, and i can dedicate time here and there to it. Wish me luck tomorrow....