To Life

Today is the once a year I outwardly mourn the loss of my twins, I'm not sure weather they were boys, girls or one of each, but i chose to pick one boy and one girl name to honor them. This was my estimated due date and they day I miss them most. I realize each year how old they would be, where life would be for them, and look back at all I been through and am gratefully they didn't have to experiences some of it with me, but I also wonder to would I have allowed myself to go though these experiences if they were here. The answer is I don't know but I miss them a bit more now since Ryan has arrived. I wonder what kind of mom I'd be to 3 kids not just one. I wonder if my future holds more children or if he is it. Life is at a forked road for me. Hopefully the later part of today will be easier and better.