I again find myself feeling depressed and a little crazy. My best friends mom found out her treatment options yesterday although I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it myself, so I'm not sure what they are yet. So out of this I see my best friend actually having to move out on her own for the first time in 6 years. Which is a good thing in all accounts but she's not the type who will be able to afford some of the necessities to being a responsible adult. I can see myself jumping at the chance to help her out and getting a place together if possible, and wham I'm away from the succubus of my life. I might even be able to begin a new one. Then I see that my overall situation wouldn't change in the least. I'd end up somehow covering the same things I do for my current roommates and alas the road to my own place would be delayed longer. It times like this I feel horribly held back by a few of my choices, and wonder why I can't just commit to following His will. He keeps pushing my to get my own place, I find myself feeling less guilty about leaving my roommates screwed over but I still can't quite put my finger on why I just don't do it. Not that I believe in curse's but I feel as if I have been cursed to have years upon years of bad luck for some reason. I heard a sermon once where Pastor was explaining about walking down the Godly road in a "white" clothing and once you reach the end all can see if you strayed off or not, but that God is always forgiving and willing to pick you up and dust you off. I feel like I got pushed into the mud puddle. I know God is there with his hand out to get up out of that puddle, but the others walking by make it a tad hard to sallow. I know it will get better I guess I'm just the person who wants to know how the end will turn out so I don't get all worked up for nothing. I'm a bit crazy I know but this is me.
I have days where I look back and realize God was pushing me to something Good and I let my head talk me out of it. I look back at it now and wonder where I could be now, what kind of person I'd be if. I know we all have these moments, mine mostly come in my dreams which make letting go harder cuz I know its my subconscious trying to make me work through the things I deny during the days. I am trying to surround myself with the people have good things going for them, that will help me listen to Him better, and above all else maybe even turn into best friends along the way.
Today is not a day that I feel hopeless or lost, today is better than yesterday. I do however wonder if in the years to come I'll find the "me" that got lost along the way? I do know however that God was working out the bad habits so I can learn new ones, and I must say I'm learning but I'm just a bit slow. This year to come I have 3 roads to run down before the year is up, 3 friends have 3 different things to come, one a baby to come, one a marriage to plan, and last the fight for her mothers life, who can say where I'll be years end. One thing I do plan on is being the best friend to them as possible.