So it has been 2 weeks since reality set in I no longer have to go to work. I the last 2 Tuesday's I've had interviews, the first was on 3/2, which my thoughts are as follows, I had an interview today, the job is basically presentation style sales, which I'm not sure I want to do or can do well, I don't drive, the presentation I can do, pushing people to buy I don't agree with, I don't like to push people. I'm not someone who can make her own schedule, I'll either get too involved in my own life or the other way around, I haven't found my own inner balance so its not easy I do know I'm the kind of "hand" that comes in gets some coffee, and wants to know what needs to be done for the day & get as much done as possible. I'm not sure that this is what i want to do, i know its something i could do for the most part, I would have to pay to get my life insurance licence, along with a drivers license but both of them cost money, and study time, not to mention i just enrolled into Medical & Dental Assisting program though Ashworth College online so this sounds like a bit much, I'm going to pray on it and see what God shows me. I still feel compelled to get more involved in the church I've been going to. We shall see...
The following Tuesday 3/10 I had my interview with AppleOne where they tell me work is slow but the will call me when they get any new opening..little annoying but understandable nor am i trying to stress out about this, obviously its a recession and not all people will and can work, plus companies are getting inundated with applications from all possible candidates so its easy for them to get the right person, not so fair on the applicants part but I see it ya know. Now tomorrow 3/17 I have an interview with Macy's, me of all people.
Yes I'll admit it, I never feel like I'm the pretty one..I don't see myself as someone others would approach at a store and ask about clothes, but I got an interview and that's one step, next Tuesday I have an interview with another temp agency. Yes I am going to put my application in to most temp agencies so I can expand my possibilities of getting a job offer even if its part time temp, its better than the money I get from unemployment, not to mention Ryan's SSI is based on what i bring in so..grr.
Back to School I go, I enrolled in a Medical Assisting course with Ashworth college, which i finally got my "books" with last week or so, So I've finished lesson 1 with a 90% so far so good right. The course is designed to be completed in 6-12 months. That would be awesome for me as now i have time to do the course and can afford it, and i can dedicate time here and there to it. Wish me luck tomorrow....
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Laid Off
So on Friday at 9:15ish am I get called into the large conference room @ work. Its Gayle & Allen, the need to make some cutbacks I am one of them. Sad to say I knew it was coming, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. I am so much happier now than I have been in a while. I'm not horrible worried about money, I'll be getting unemployment, as well as Ryan's SSI will go up due to my lack of income. Also I had already received my federal return, and my job gave me a Severance package so I'm sort of rolling in money. So what does one do. Spend Spend Spend...well to a point, I am attempting to keep a sum of 2g in the bank, although i have made a few large purchase, IE new furniture today..these were things I'd already planned to buy, just not like this, so I don't feel bad doing it. I am just going to see where the Lord leads me to be. I have put in a few applications so far and also requested a couple of catalogs from some online college's. Yes I have a head on my shoulders, and I do use it from time to time. I'm going to enjoy myself & my son while I am home full time..I never really got to do that before so now I'm going to a bit of it..within reason. I think this will be a good thing in the end. God won't let me down, he hasn't yet, there are times I wonder what is thinking putting me through the things he has, but then I wouldn't be who I am today so I know it's all for something.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Broken Dreams
To know more about me..I must tell you a bit about my past, which also lead to a few broken drams along the way.
As a baby I lived in a rural town of Nebraska where most of my farm girl days started. At the age of 6 my mom moved out here to California, onto my grandfather's property. He didn't have a huge "farm" per say but was an old framer anyway and help bring me up as such. I grew up having a horse on site to ride whenever. So my tiny budding brain never thought that anyone else didn't have what i did till my first sleepover. So I've always had simple plans for my life grow up get married & have babies, and stay at home and raise them. Well I am going to be 27 this year and only one of those three things has happen as of yet. The first "man" I met along the way who i thought i would marry turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my young like. We were 20 &21 when we meet, yes i was naive. We broke up but again i was young and had no real idea of what supporting myself would take, so we live together as roommates. In 06 he finally understood i was not going to be his "wife" so to him "we broke up" I was already dating someone new. Yes that man is the father of my son but we no longer see each other or speak to one another. That's another story. Back to my broken dream at hand, both of these men,if you will, broke my dream of getting married young and having 6 kids, yes i wanted a lot. But the one I have was born premature.
Thus the story begins, the 4 months he was in the hospital I was there caring for him, make his life altering decisions and my goal was to get him home where i could raise him up right.
My roommate was working part time for a temp agency and was hoping to get picked up full time, but the FLMA & his paycheck weren't paying the rent or the bills together. So I started to pray about what to do, I didn't want to have others take care of my son, I wanted to do it, be the stay at home mom, more than anything, as the days drew closer to his home coming, I knew he wasn't going to step up and be the man i needed at all. A call came from the HR manager at my work asking if i was thinking about coming back, I told her the simple truth I had to. So I got my paperwork together and headed in. Not but one week after I went back to work my son came home, I had to work out how to be a mom, worker, and get the bills back on track. Looking back now it was the best choice I made, Ryan has healthy and productive little monster if you will, but its not what i wanted from my life at all. My roommate is not the man i want or need in my life partner but I live with him none the less as he is comfort, for as the song goes everybody wants to feel like there not alone, I know I am not but its the feeling i get everytime i look at my son, where is the man he needs to lead him, show him the things i can't..I don't know at all, but then again I'm not looking to find him either. I am just working, playing, eating, and trying to not get consumed in the mundane world. The life I wanted is gone, the place I thought I was going is hazie and the world I knew shattered the day my grandmother died. I can't get back what I had, but putting the peices back together was getting to hard, now im tring to leave the peices on the floor and find out what I am really made of.
As for an unshattered dream, there isn't one really, I never dreamed of more. Now I am looking for the man who can dominate me like I need, spoil me like i deserve and give my heart a place to find comfort. I don't where he'll come from but I trust the Lord will make sure I walk right into him somewhere, and I'll know the Lords hands are on our sholders..
As a baby I lived in a rural town of Nebraska where most of my farm girl days started. At the age of 6 my mom moved out here to California, onto my grandfather's property. He didn't have a huge "farm" per say but was an old framer anyway and help bring me up as such. I grew up having a horse on site to ride whenever. So my tiny budding brain never thought that anyone else didn't have what i did till my first sleepover. So I've always had simple plans for my life grow up get married & have babies, and stay at home and raise them. Well I am going to be 27 this year and only one of those three things has happen as of yet. The first "man" I met along the way who i thought i would marry turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my young like. We were 20 &21 when we meet, yes i was naive. We broke up but again i was young and had no real idea of what supporting myself would take, so we live together as roommates. In 06 he finally understood i was not going to be his "wife" so to him "we broke up" I was already dating someone new. Yes that man is the father of my son but we no longer see each other or speak to one another. That's another story. Back to my broken dream at hand, both of these men,if you will, broke my dream of getting married young and having 6 kids, yes i wanted a lot. But the one I have was born premature.
Thus the story begins, the 4 months he was in the hospital I was there caring for him, make his life altering decisions and my goal was to get him home where i could raise him up right.
My roommate was working part time for a temp agency and was hoping to get picked up full time, but the FLMA & his paycheck weren't paying the rent or the bills together. So I started to pray about what to do, I didn't want to have others take care of my son, I wanted to do it, be the stay at home mom, more than anything, as the days drew closer to his home coming, I knew he wasn't going to step up and be the man i needed at all. A call came from the HR manager at my work asking if i was thinking about coming back, I told her the simple truth I had to. So I got my paperwork together and headed in. Not but one week after I went back to work my son came home, I had to work out how to be a mom, worker, and get the bills back on track. Looking back now it was the best choice I made, Ryan has healthy and productive little monster if you will, but its not what i wanted from my life at all. My roommate is not the man i want or need in my life partner but I live with him none the less as he is comfort, for as the song goes everybody wants to feel like there not alone, I know I am not but its the feeling i get everytime i look at my son, where is the man he needs to lead him, show him the things i can't..I don't know at all, but then again I'm not looking to find him either. I am just working, playing, eating, and trying to not get consumed in the mundane world. The life I wanted is gone, the place I thought I was going is hazie and the world I knew shattered the day my grandmother died. I can't get back what I had, but putting the peices back together was getting to hard, now im tring to leave the peices on the floor and find out what I am really made of.
As for an unshattered dream, there isn't one really, I never dreamed of more. Now I am looking for the man who can dominate me like I need, spoil me like i deserve and give my heart a place to find comfort. I don't where he'll come from but I trust the Lord will make sure I walk right into him somewhere, and I'll know the Lords hands are on our sholders..
Sunday, January 25, 2009
A start
My friend made a post about his dream girl, and it made me think about me and if i was some one's dream girl. Which prompted me to look at my life. First I don't claim to be perfect but we all strive to find that balance which makes us feel perfect.
I do love Jesus, but seem to show little of it in my daily life, but this is a struggle i must face as i don't live with in a Christian home/environment, a bit upsetting but once my entire story is explained one can see why I hold this part back in my life..Thus leads to my problem, I can be a com pleat pushover. I do say no but when no one listens, or ignores this it make it impossible to find self confidence within. There is also part of me that can see the battle that looms on the horizon from time to time, and I dislike arguing, again mainly cuz no one listens when i speak gently so they get upset or offended when i say something loudly, never mind its what i said yesterday nicely. I need the man in my life to understand my weakness, help be become stronger, I also need him to understand that when he needs to step in and be my backbone.
I do not think as others do, so I need him to understand its OK to tell me to calm down or just listen to me ramble on till I'm done going crazy, and can think & talk rationally again, amongst all the other things a women can need. I also do not see things the way many women, see things, so I speak plainly, and call it as i see it. I may change my mind, then again I may not. I want him to also know that we can spend time together & time apart, but mostly he needs to know I adore him regardless of his flaws, I love spending every moment with him and need no reason for it.
I do love Jesus, but seem to show little of it in my daily life, but this is a struggle i must face as i don't live with in a Christian home/environment, a bit upsetting but once my entire story is explained one can see why I hold this part back in my life..Thus leads to my problem, I can be a com pleat pushover. I do say no but when no one listens, or ignores this it make it impossible to find self confidence within. There is also part of me that can see the battle that looms on the horizon from time to time, and I dislike arguing, again mainly cuz no one listens when i speak gently so they get upset or offended when i say something loudly, never mind its what i said yesterday nicely. I need the man in my life to understand my weakness, help be become stronger, I also need him to understand that when he needs to step in and be my backbone.
I do not think as others do, so I need him to understand its OK to tell me to calm down or just listen to me ramble on till I'm done going crazy, and can think & talk rationally again, amongst all the other things a women can need. I also do not see things the way many women, see things, so I speak plainly, and call it as i see it. I may change my mind, then again I may not. I want him to also know that we can spend time together & time apart, but mostly he needs to know I adore him regardless of his flaws, I love spending every moment with him and need no reason for it.
I am affectionate, sometimes a bit much. I can be called aggressive from time to time, but once you get to know me you learn this is me, but I know when to stop. He has to like my kind of music and understand I have my moments where I want to play something completely diffrent than what i normally listen to and he has to be OK with that. He also needs to know I have a wild side from time to time and i need to let it loose.
But the whole reason I decided to do this was to find an outlet for all my thoughts, and maybe a way to find me..again..I got lost somewhere in the last few years.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)